metamorphosis

i was really, really drunk last night. i have never felt so sick in such a long time. well, it all started when i got home, and feeling so profound and so hating my life right now, i've decided to call up kaye, and ended up going to her place. initially, kitty and kuya larry were there. but they were gonna play badminton. so it was just me and kaye. we've watched One Tree Hill, then for the first time, i've watched the Gilmore Girls, which I later on discovered to be very funny.

we we're a bit hungry... actually, really hungry. so we went to Concepcion to buy some isaw. but alas, there is no more. it was just nine pm! then, suddenly i had a better idea. shawarma. the notoriously weird but delectable shawarma from the Boy Ching Woo Chinese Diner. where in the world can you eat shawarma with fries in it?!

so while waiting for our take outs, i've told kaye that we should invite up some friends that we haven't seen in a long, long time. i've texted sunny, bernice, michael and dennis. kay also texted bee. the spontaneity of the moment was like a drug for me. it was relieving.

an hour or more, they arrive one at a time. actually, only sunny and dennis arrived. then we picked up bee in her place around 12am something maybe.

the beer was 'unofficially' sponsored by kaye... well, because, taunting as i am, i told her she already has more money than any of us. (she's now working in peoplesupport) and voila.

initially, we bought one case of colt ice. then, followed by half a case of san mig light. then dennis and i went off to forged for food. roasted chicken in mind, but all baliwag lechong manok stores where closed. i thought they're open 24 hours a day. so we ended up buying the next half of a case of san mig light.

eventually, kuya larry arrived, and so did tito robert. who as usual, was drunk again.

we had good laughs, a lot of which, of course, are centered on some naughty and nice things we've done. or rather, that i've done.

we've proven one point too. in the long time that most of us haven't seen each other, one fact remained undaunted... wala kasing nagyayaya. so, we've resolved, that this year, we should see each other at least once a month. the next time we meet up is on february 5, saturday, kaye' birthday bashing. we'll definitely be wasted again by then.

we've ended our drinking session around 6am. i was so fucking drunk, that i couldn't walk straight. when i got home, i barely had strength to change my clothes, and was deep in a sleep spell subsequently. i woke up around 1pm. still, with a nasty headache. then i ate lunch, took a bath, watched some tv shows, and realizing, i'm still too sick, i went back to bed. slept for another two hours or so, woke up, and decided to rehydrate myself. i drank almost two liters of water the whole afternoon and evening. my brain stopped throbbing, but my lungs felt like it is still converting alcohol to a gaseous form.

anyhow, i've slept again around 9pm, now, around 1am, i'm in a half dreamy-half wake state. blogging. it's already monday, and i haven't read anything out of the ordinary course of my fucking boring life as a law student. (maybe i'd stop studying.)

i'm particularly not happy with my life right now. this is the profound thing that is bothering me and lead me to have the first sickening binge drinking of my life this 2005.

i feel so inadequate, ignore by fate and so unloved. i feel like this is a the moment that i have to make some life altering decision, and redesign my relationship with people.

first, i must admit that it takes two to tango. love can not be a one way ordeal. and i feel like i'm darn acting stupid dancing to it's tune alone.

i'm not looking for a relationship. i'm looking for love. i'm not looking for commitment. i'm looking for love.

yes, carol, i love you. for almost a year i've felt this way for you. you have been the most momentous and landmark relationship that i've had.

but how do we define this relationship?

yes, were friends.

just friends.

you know me too well, that i've been acting so strange lately. as you said it, we've been so cold lately. you told me how important my friendship is to you. but sometimes i just feel so ignored, like i'm just every other guy in school. you're very special too me, i feel like i cannot give more, my spirit is all used up.

i'm just a friend.

then some things must change, if i am to survive this ordeal called law school. better for me to stand alone, than to offer my affections. better for me to understand the word 'friends' as is it really meant to be... friends. i'm sorry, if i've made you get used to some things. and i'm not promising nothing will change. 'cause everything will change. i want to grow.

this is not about you. there's nothing wrong with you. you're more than perfect. i've known every nook and cranny of your beautiful being, and so have you with mine.

but this is all about me.

just me.

ohme will always be ohme. just redesigned. some things removed, and some things improved. it may not be the same as the old one, but it will do.

i'm not looking for a relationship. i'm not looking for a commitment. i'm looking for love.