It has been more than a year since I last went to Greenhills, and wow! It went from jologs to savvy. I did not even recognize the original floor plan as almost everything in there was changed and splendidly rivals Eastwood. The cinema was dead gorgeous. The seats are so ergonomic, very comfy.

We’ve watched the Exorcism of Emily Rose, which I’ve always wanted to watch since it is the talk of our class. It is quite disturbing actually. Six Demons. A country girl. An agnostic lawyer. A terrified priest. The story itself will indeed make you think.

Afterwards, we had the usual drink, us and a few more friends… Larry, GeeJ, Jac, and Perry. The drink of the night. Absolut Kurant concoction that caused me immense hangover. Deadly sweet. I love to hate that shit.

By the way, it was a post birthday celebration for Dennis.

xxx xxx xxx

Commissioner Garci hid himself in the southern hinterlands. I should probably do the same, if only to find peace. Law school is no peace. It is glamorous and noble.

But there is no peace.

But then again… what is peace?

I’m not looking for the Sandra Bullock “WORLD PEACE” thingy. I’m looking for THE Peace. That peace which is a sliver of eternity. A moment of infinity. Somewhere where I will be lost in a vast ocean of the cosmos, faceless, serene.

The closest thing next to that is an orgasm or a valium induced sleep.

Pardon me for my esoteric inklings. But there has always been something more to me than just being me. We live life as if there is no tomorrow. But I want to experience life without a tomorrow. Without a yesterday nor a today.

But only a NOW.

What if I lived in a Buddhist Monastery someplace hidden in Tibet or Thailand. Or on an island somewhere in the Pacific full of tribesfolk where they do nothing but to hunt, eat, sleep and copulate. What if I were to live my life as a simple farmer with brown hillbilly buck teeth in Ireland. Maybe I’ll find peace and live only for NOW.

But in law school. There is no peace. There is only the sword and the scales of the blind goddess.

I want my peace. Even for one moment.

Poetry of the Rant

I don’t feel like ranting. But I must rant, lest I get stupefied by the life I am in now. Law school is no piece of cheese. There is no turning back. I do not intend to have “quasi” before my ATTY.

Pero ahora, quiero a morir. Y mas prefiero a morir una mil veces que yo estudio cada dia asi no hay mañana. Mi alma no se contenta (como las palabras de Pablo Neruda…) Hasta ahora, no se como mis preteritos aqui son correctos.

Damn! How I miss speaking in the Iberian vulgarized Latin known as Spanish. But the Spanish speaking pueblo of AB are long gone. Muriendo.

If this is my DHARMA, I’d hate myself for choosing law school. Expert testimony proves that it is indeed a very demanding profession. And I prefer not to be demanding, nor be demandable, nor to demand at all. I just want to be rich. Live in a farm or beach house by the sea, ride horses, play soccer, read books, write novels about the social insanity while drinking in tribute to the late Nick Joaquin Jr. whome I found certain parallelisms with myself since both of us are writers at heart and we are both beer drinkers, and we are both queridos de Madre España. His writing style, as aptly stated by Big Mac, half sister of PGMA… “seamless transition”… I would not have hesitated with my heart’s true desire to become a member of the local Literati Pantheon including F. Sionil Jose, Bienvenido Lumbera, and of course the grand poetess, Opheli Dimalanta.

A lawyer is not what I am. I am a simple person looking forward to a life of simple beauty and pleasure. I am a struggling boddhisatva. I want to make a better world out of this forlorn tierra, rather than attain Nirvana. And for your knowledge and information my mouse is fucking possessed again. It is as if it has a mind of its own. Fuck optic lens technology!

Suddenly, without warning, one of my prayers was answered. While I am writing this I am presently eating KFC. The Boddhisatva of Mercy and Compassion has heard me.

I am getting weirder and weirder by the moment. I am just fucking tired of it all. This is not the life I imagined. I dreamnt of life as if it was a mere dream from daylight to moonlight. From sunrise to moonrise. Perfect Imperfection. Vague but beautiful. Clarity in motion. Solemn solitude by day and chaotic frenzy by night.

If DHARMA wills, let it be done. But it is merely

For

Me

Just

A

MASK.

porque hay muchos gentes que han leido mi blog, especialmente los gentes en el colegio de derechos. He decidido a escribir en español para delimitar los gentes que tienen la abilidad para comprender mis escribiendos aqui.

so much for that. i ran out of spanish. i'm not a fluent spanish speaker, but hell, i'm better than the rest. the problem is i don't have anyone to talk with for the past four years or so.

at any rate, nothing much to talk about. same old same old. tiring and boring law school. the isolationisn is overwhelming. i haven't watched any tv shows for the past 3 weeks. i haven't slept well either.

life. oh life.

Where is Waldo?

You are probably wondering what the heck is this klump of faces is doing here (which, if you could discern, looks like a bunch of grapes.) Well, I placed it there as a sort of game. Find Ohme and win FREE LEGAL SERVICES GOOD FOR ONE YEAR, SUBJECT TO THE SUSPENSIVE CONDITION THAT I PASS THE BAR EXAMS, TAX FREE... LIEN FREE!!!

NAH!!!! That is the height of photocopy technology way back in 1997. As you could see, it says ECO-CAMP '97. Assumption Antipolo, April 17-22. Therefore, we may safely infer that it happened 8 years ago.

Based on that premise, let me now move on to my anecdote of the day.... and will explain who the heck is that guy on the right side of this entry.

I have this irregular classmate, who is just a recent acquaintance of mine (well, since tax1 last sem became the center of the universe for me, when everybody honored me in a de facto magna cum laude state.) i couldn't say we we're good friends, nor good acquaintances for that matter. we just talk about law school stuff etc. etc.

Then yesterday afternoon, in the men's room (where most talking happens inside the library) i met him there again. just the usual "Uy, musta?" which elicited the same reply... "Uy, musta." (i emphasize on the period. It is not supposed to be a question mark.) Typical law student dialogue. He then asked me if I ever went to eco-camp in antipolo. My brain began to churn as it drew very vague and olvidated memories from the stinky and creaky trunk of the hindside of my brain.

"Yeah?!" I said.

"Pare, magka-batch kaya tayo!" he said in reply.

No, I don't think so. I do not remember you. I have no idea what you are talking about. That was for about 30 seconds. Brain says: Processing... 30% Processing...50% complete... etc. Then SNAP!

Yeah, I now remember you. Barely. That was 8 years ago. Then we started to agree on certain events on that five day camp.

That guy is Christian Caylao. A law student whom I barely know now, and still barely before, sionce we've been only together for five days, and communications technology as it is today was still at its fetal stage, but now i consider a new friend with old roots.

The amusing thing is after 8 years, we ended up in the same school, in the same course. I did not even recognize him as that guy 8 years ago, until I looked for and found the pictures. Funny how Serendipity works.

I'm turning Buddhist... partly. Got this from Ongpin, an original import from the mainland. It's called a shu-zu, or mala (rose) beads. It's the Chinese/Buddhist/Hindu rosary. This one has 108 beads, representing the 108 desires to be overcome by man (Buddhism) and the 108 beautiful names of God (hinduism). Next thing to search for... the Subha... or the Muslim rosary with 99 beads representing the 99 names of God.

And this precious one... is for a precious someone....

untitled entry

yes, larry i did make "gaya" with your writing format. hehehe

well, what can i say, we all feel like everyday is a Finals exam day. So tiring.

I saw Gengkuks yesterday at Coffee indulgence. You look very fine my dear.

Two people in our class in SPECIAL PROCEEDINGS were called "STUPID" by Dean Ortega. The whole class was called "DISGUSTING". Another was accused of having "NO LOGIC." And that we should change our Study habits. I feel for you my dear quasi-compañeros. I was called STUPID once by Atty. Fernandez.

Sorry Your Honor, estudyante lang kame. Kayo, kabisado niyo na yan since before the time of Senator Vicente Sotto I... which is around the 1960's, even before the Rules of Court have been revised several times. Your 'prolific' client with children all over the world. (I have no intentions of defaming the late Senator, I'm just quoting a direct testimony from a credible person). Besides, hindi lang kayo professor namin.

Kennelyn has this MP3s of Love Sonnets from 'Il Postino' and from Pablo Neruda. An alternative to listening to music. Poetry reading should be played at Starbucks sometimes. And yes, THE ODE TO A BEAUTIFUL NUDE is sensually delightful. It kinda turns me on. Hahaha.

Of course, the true delight was when I finally heard the Emilio Estevez version of "Puedo Escribir los versos." in English, of course. My most favorite Pablo Neruda poem of all time... aside from "I do not love you as though you were the salt-rose topaz..."

In fact, I'll post some of my faves here right now

I Like For You To Be Still

I like for you to be still:

I as though you were absent,

and you do not hear me far away and my voice does not touch you.

It seems as though your eyes had flown away

and it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth

As all things are filled with my soul

you emerge from the things, filled with my soul.

You are like my soul, a butterfly of dream,

and you are like the word Melancholy.

I like for you to be still, and you are still far away,

It sounds as though you were lamenting, a butterfly cooing like a dove.

And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:

Let me come to be still in you silence. And let me talk to you with your silence

that is bright as a lamp, simple as a ring.

You are like the night, with its stillness and constellations.

Your silence is that of a star, as remote and candid.

I like for you to be still: it is though you were absent,

distant and full of sorrow as though you had died.

One word then, one smile, is enough.

And I am happy, happy that it’s not true.

Sonnet 17

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz

or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:

I love you as certain dark things are loved,

secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and

carries

hidden within itself the light of those flowers,

and thanks to your love, darkly in my body

lives the dense fragrance that rises from the

earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from

where,

I love you simply, without problems or pride:

I love you in this way because I don't know any

other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,

so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my

hand,

so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your

eyes that close.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche. .

Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada, y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos". .

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta. .

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso. .

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.

¡La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito! .

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.

¡Como no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos! .

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido, .

Oír la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.

Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío. .

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.

La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo. .

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.

Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido. .

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.

Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo. .

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.

Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos. .

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise!

Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído. .

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.

Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos. .

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.

Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido. .

Porque en noches como ésta, la tuve entre mis brazos,

mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,

y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

quickie rantings

i really really hate my schedule this semester. i hate corporation law. or probably i hate the professor. i have to read cases ad infinitum et ad astra as if there is no tomorrow. this is the most fucking brain draining semester ever. i was called for the first time yesterday by Atty. Alcantara in Labor Relations. the second time was by Atty. Kasala. JV was also called too, we call it double taxation because we've been called the same time last semester. same subject-matter, same forum, same cause of action, same professor, all elements of double jeopardy are present. i presently live in the graduate school section, third floor of the central library. i've recently learned that a Starbucks will be constructed at the pay carpark. the Starbucks in SM San Lazaro is still under construction. I want the Starbucks planner. I miss peppermint mocha. i do nothing morning till evening but study. i think i'm becoming valium-dependent. Atty. Culling is my professor in Corporation Law. Atty. Gorospe is not that bad, in fact, he's cool. Dean Carlos Ortega will allegedly cuss you during recitations. Atty. Kasala is due to give birth on January. Dr. Enriquez is my professor in Trial Technique. Judge Aguinaldo is my professor in Practice Court 1. Both have no idea how to teach the said subjects. Dr. Enriquez is a lawyer-physician. I have a crush on her since I was in second year. Atty. Gonzales gave me a 3.0 in Wills and Succession. I'll never doubt him again. I'm still a regular student. Thank you Lord. Praise be the gods.

I passed WILLS AND SUCCESSION!

Still a regular student... barely surviving.

I HATE LAWSCHOOL RIGHT NOW!!!

trip down memory lane...

I was going through all my stuff and some other things which were collecting dusts, in preparation for the next semester. Then I cam across my photo albums, and I decided to share some happy moments from bygone years...
College Retreat (Top: At the Gas Stop in SLEX, Middle: @ the retreat House with Atty. Chua, Bottom: with classmates and the moderator)
Lucban Outing (Top: Lucban Church, Middle: Jl's Function Hall, Bottom: Jl's Room)
HIGHSCHOOL (Above: 3rd Yr. St. Alphonsus, Bottom: 4th Yr. Queen of Angels)
Graduation Ball (Top: The Plethora of Partners, Middle: @ the staircase of the Westin Plaza, Bottom: AB President JunJun, My Bestfriend Joyce, Michelle, Me, and Frances)
CJ's Wedding Reception @ the Intramuros Baluarte de San Diego
College (Top: Calachuchi ng AB, Middle: @ the foot of Mt. Banahaw, Bottom: Jl's Function Hall)
LM Years (Top: @ my ride on the way to Westin Plaza Hotel, Middle: My LM Berks, Bottom: On the way to the Retreat)
Above: My Birthday 4(?) Years ago, Bottom: Senti Boys in Biñan
(Top:CLub D @ the Lucban Resthouse, Middle: Before the Bacchalaureate Mass, Bottom: During the Side A concert in Lucban)
AB Life.... (Above: Sophomore classmates at the Benavidez Park, Bottom: The Arch of the Centuries.)

mission accomplished

first mission...

finally got enrolled today.

no kickbacks though. too bad.

second mission accomplished...

bought a pair of boot cut button fly jeans at F&H, and a new belt, also F&H.

It won't be boot cut anymore once I got the legs trimmed down to fit me. But, hey, the design's one I haven't got before.

Yes, I have a tendency to patronize brands... Bench before, then Human, MF+G, Polosport, Canadian Club, Dickies, Adidas, Diesel. Now, F&H. Not because Larry is my friend, but because the darn jacket i found there started the trend. Hehehe.

Next Mission... save money to buy a new pair of sneakers, or tennis shoes, or whatever.

Samhain Feast

October 31 - November 1 ----> The Ancient Samhain Feast, All Hallow's Eve, Halloween, Dia de los Muertos, Todos los Santos... call it whatever you want... still, it is a celebration of the cycle of life and death. Announces the coming of Autumn, and the change of sovereignty, from the feminine to the masculine. (Yes, I did my research... :P)

At any rate, at my splurging day I got some great buys... I bought two poloshirts (a black real madrid shirt and a red manchester united shirt), another black yet uberly hot one with woven designs, that seems like a hybrid of techno-retro and ethnic. Then I got a red adidas t-shirt which says on front: "Hablo Futbol!" and at the Back: "Y Tu?" (ASTEEG!)

I also bought at National Bookstore 'THE RULE OF FOUR' (Ian Caldwell) and ' OF LOVE AND OTHER DEMONS' (Gabriel Garcia Marquez). I'm reading THE RULE OF FOUR simultaneously with BECKHAM MY WORLD, and I intend to finish all three books before classes begin.

Also, I'm discerning whether or not to buy a new pair of pants now or at Christmastide instead. I still got money, but I wanna save a little since the semester is about to start and books will be expensive.

Yesterday, we went around 11am to the Tugatog Public Cemetery to visit our Family Grave. My tita had the place encaged and refurbished a little, therefore we has the seats to ourselves without any unwanted occupants from the neighboring tombs.

It was only this year around that I could remember that us and our relatives came to the cemetery almost at the same time.

We then went to Our Lady of Lourdes Park to visit other relatives' graves.

After returning home, I went to the Tugatog Cemetery. Again.

My grandfather wanted to visit and see the improvements done. So, the loyal and obedient apo that I am, I did oblige. Good thing he tagged along one of our houseboys to push the wheel chair while I navigated through the crowd. When we got there, some more relatives who were there were surprised that we showed up, 'coz my grandparents never visited the cemetery since they got old... or as far as I could remember.

Then last night, I dreamnt of the Family Grave again. Somehow, there is a feeling of peace and happiness there. Yeah, maybe natuwa sila 'coz my granddad visited. I hope the ancestors are happy now.

There's nothing scary about it. Family ties transcend beyond this plane of existence. I'm kinda happy and I feel blessed. Amidst all of the problems, I know that there's another power, aside from God, that guides us.